he shaved USA in his pubs
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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