How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
