I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
