I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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