my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
