why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
