I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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