Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
