dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
