then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm getting married
To pizza
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize