I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize