My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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