The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
