checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
