i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
