Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The power of my boobs compel you
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
