I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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