I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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