Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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