My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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