I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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