Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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