Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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