dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
