im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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