I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
