Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
