So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
