My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
