at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
