He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
