Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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