I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
