you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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