If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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