why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize