how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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