hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
