i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
its not stalking. its research.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
