so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
