She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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