By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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