my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
