i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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