At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
