I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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