Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize