I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
