I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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