Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
