i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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