it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
