she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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