Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Farmville is her only friend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
