Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
