Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
