Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
