If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
