I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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